Technology Advances, People Stay the Same
by TypoNumber5
Summary: [one-shot; B-day fic for Yuumi] Join Seto Kaiba in his technology class, and what an exciting class it is! Obsolete computers to grapple with, annoyingly noisy classmates, and "Bakura" laughing evilly for background music. Oh joy.


Hidey-ho people, this is my birthday present to my friend Yuumi. Inspired by lack of sleep and a comic my mom has on the fridge. I don't own Yuugiou. Yay. 

…Oh yeah, and against my usual habit of calling Ryou Bakura by his first name, I call him "Bakura" as per canon.

**Technology Advances, People Stay the Same**

Seto Kaiba was not having a good day. He had woken up on the wrong side of the bed (quite literally—he failed to step right into his bunny slippers they way they always did in movies; it ruined his whole morning) to another bleak day filled with annoying classes and even more irksome classmates. But even this day could have been salvaged—he had liked the sandwich in his lunch, at least—if not for one, simple thing.

Technology.

Oh yes, he loved modern technology. Hell, it was one of about three things he did. But the CLASS technology… that was a different story.

It was one of the few classes you had to move to a different part of the school for (the CEO pitied Americans; all that rushing about and bumping into each other…), and was thus one of the few classes in which it was possible to be tardy. And because it was the only class he had (minus homeroom, of course) that day he could possibly be late for, and because he hadn't walked into his slippers when he had gotten out of bed, Kaiba's cell phone went off just as he rounded the corner of the undecorated hallway.

Thus was his denied superstition.

"What?" he snapped into the device, quite irritated that someone would DARE to call him during school hours.

"Mister Kaiba?" A young woman asked from the other end. Kaiba knew that voice. "I'm Kuniko Takanaka, vice principal of Domino Elementary. I'm calling because"

Oh, God…

"What did he do this time?" the brunette cut in. He hated this woman's repetitive introductions.

"Well, erm," she paused. "He, uh, ate my scone…"

"He what?"

"Ate my scone."

"I see."

"Well… good. I hope he will be dealt with appropriately. Would you like to speak with him?"

"But of course."

There was some shuffling as she handed over the phone.

"Hey, 'Nii-sama!" Mokuba's voice sound something like Alvin the chipmunk over the phone.

"Mokuba. You ate a teacher's scone?"

"Not a teacher's. The vice principal's."

"Just out of curiosity, WHY?"

"I was hungry."

Kaiba stared at the water fountain next to him. Sometimes Mokuba could just be plain odd. He sighed.

"Well then, Mokuba, I want you to say to Takanaka-san what I told to always say to people when they call me during school."

"'Kay." What the boy said was inaudible, but Kaiba smirked as he very clearly heard Takanaka gasp "MOKUBA!" He flipped the cell phone closed. The bell rang. He cursed internally and hurried to the Tech Lab.

When he arrived, every computer had been claimed by internet-driven teenagers except one. It was in he back, situated amongst the normal computers in hope of making it more desirable. This had failed miserably. The screen was coated in a white dust, and the cream-colored bulk of it was covered in black cuff marks and swear words someone had written on it with a green sharpie. The J, F4, and 8 keys were missing from the keyboard, and the mouse's wire had a unique quality in the insulation that look as though it had been chewed. It was the only computer in the room that lacked headphones, but the hum from it could easily cover up any noise it should care to make, or any noise from the other computers for that matter. With a snarl, the CEO slipped into the plastic chair in front of it.

"Hello," a feminine voice to his right said softly. He groaned silently. Not only did he get the worst computer in the school, but he had managed to place himself between Yugi Lackey Number 2, Anzu Mazaki, and Yugi Lackey Number 3, Hiroto Honda. He chose to ignore them.

What do now? He thought a moment, then decided to go online and Instant Message his secretary some of the work on a new design he had done in class. Then fire her for being online during work. He clicked the AOL Instant Messenger icon, and the cursor transformed itself into a stopwatch. The computer thought.

And thought.

And thought.

Their instructor came over. "M-mr. Kaiba…" he stammered, ringing his hands. The brunette glanced up with a look of utmost boredom upon his face. "I-I was w-wondering i-if y-y-you could, um, w-watch the cl-class while I, erm, g-go to the b-bathroom."

Kaiba nodded. He always found it amusing how eager the old man was to meet his approval.

"You kn-know," the man stuttered as he backed away and toward the door. "Just a-answer their questions, and, ah, m-make sure th-they, um, st-stay quite." He laughed nervously and power walked the rest of the way out.

The computer was still thinking.

Anzu was on some music site. She was blasting it so loud in her headphones that he could pick up every word of the deep-voiced singer. She was also dancing in her seat to it, so not only was she slowly going deaf, but she was completely oblivious to how stupid she looked.

On his other side, Honda had a lunch box balanced on his keyboard. Carefully, he opened it and removed a large blueberry muffin. Kaiba watched, contemplating on Mokuba's liking of authority's pastries, as the Lackey pealed the plastic wrap from it, scattering crumbs everywhere. He took a slow and cautious bite, and began to chew. Loudly.

The computer finally finished its thought processes. A white box appeared on the screen, and it emanated a loud dial tone. Kaiba winced as it began dialing.

"Erm, 'scuse me," someone from behind said. He focused on the screen and increased his glare's intensity ten-fold.

"What is it, mutt?"

"I, uh… can't figure out how to work my computer." Jounouchi said this very fast, so at least he wasn't enjoying this little encounter either.

Kaiba huffed and stood up, making sure to tower over the unfortunate blonde in a particularly intimidating way. The so-called puppy shrank away a bit and led him to his computer, a rather sleek and new looking eMac. Kaiba tried very hard not be jealous.

"It won't do anything," Jounouchi muttered. On the next computer over, Yugi was clicking furiously. Kaiba could hear his own, ancient computer connect with the World Wide Web from the other side of the room. He stared coolly down at the blonde.

"Have you tried turning it on?"

"…No."

"I thought not." The brunette leaned over and pressed the start-up button on the side. "And if you need anything else, like if you can't figure out how to work the keyboard, ask your vertically challenged friend over there." He motioned at Yugi, who he now realized was playing chess. Against himself. And rapidly changing height with every turn.

Strange.

Kaiba made his way back to the… the THING they called education equipment. Just as he was passing Yugi Lackey Number 4, Ryou Bakura—

"NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He jumped, came down on his foot at an odd angle, and did a bit of stumbling around and clutching his chest. He twisted around to the usually quite boy, staring as he giggled psychotically to himself as banging the keyboard like a dying piano. Then, suddenly, his hair seemed to go limp as he stopped. He blinked at his computer like he'd never seen one before, and calmly went back to typing.

When the boy didn't react to Kaiba's patent What-The-Hell-Is-Wrong-With-You look, the brunette returned to his… computer, if you could call it that. It had successfully opened AOL and was taking its dear sweet time loading his buddy list. He huffed and lowered himself into his chair, only to be smacked by Anzu as she rhythmically waved her arms about in perfect time to some song about garnished beetles.

These J-Pop idols REALLY needed to work on their English.

He glared at the girl, waiting for an apology… and for the computer to finish loading. Whichever came first. A long, proverbial moment later, Anzu seemed to notice the ice blue eyes fixed loathsomely on her. She blinked at him and waved awkwardly. He rolled his eyes and turned back to his monitor.

Ah, yes, his secretary was online, and no doubt flirting in a chat room with that perverted chauffer of his. Good help was so hard to find these days.

"Uh, Kaiba?"

He whirled around and glowered that the intruding blonde.

"_What_?"

"Um… the computer stopped working again…"

Kaiba growled, pushing himself up and storming past Jounouchi. Upon arriving at his terminal, he came to the conclusion that the mutt was an even bigger moron than he had originally thought, and that was saying quite a bit.

"Idiot! You turned it off again."

"Did not," Jounouchi answered indignantly. Another spout of evil sounding giggles erupted from Bakura's general direction.

Seething, Kaiba jammed his finger down on the power button and pounded his way back to the Electronic Wonder. There, on his keyboard, was a Little Debby wrapper. Dark crumbs and white icing cling to the plastic, oozing with corn syrup and fat. It was one of the most pride-wounding insults Kaiba had ever received, and the offender was none other than the imbecile crunching Cheez-Its to his right.

"_What_ is this?" Kaiba spat.

Honda glanced placidly up at him. "A ibble ebbi apper," he replied through the cheesy goodness.

"Well get it out of my workspace."

Yugi Lackey Number 3 shrugged and trudged off with the wrapper. Kaiba sat back down, grinding his teeth, and double clicked his secretary's screen name. Anzu smacked him again.

_Why aren't you working?_ he typed, ignoring the dancer. Almost instantly, the poor employee pinged him back.

_leik omg kaibasamA! _Another ping. _i'm so working! like, i was talking 2 thiis guy aboout teh paperwork_

_You expect me to believe that? You're typing sucks, by the way._

He sat back and smirked at the glowing screen as the girl typed furiously back at him, apologizing profusely and making weak excuses. He let her sweat for a minute, then leaned forward to announce her termination as a member of the Kaiba Corp work team.

"HA! CHECKMATE, AIBOU! I win!"

Everyone in the class jerked around to stare at "Yugi" and he stood triumphantly over his computer. Suddenly, his victory stance slumped and his voice became more boyish.

"Oh, c'mon, that's not fair. Two out of three?"

His posture straightened.

"…Fine."

Calmly, as if yelling at yourself was nothing new, he righted his chair (which had been thrown back as he had leaped to his feet) and seated himself once more. The class stared for a few seconds more, then went back to their respective tasks. Yugi was always doing stuff like that. Kaiba shook his head and focused his attention on his AIM conversation.

She had logged off. Damn.

He grabbed the mouse with the idea of email in his head, but that thought quickly vanished.

The mouse wouldn't move.

The computer was frozen. Damn crappy school technology. He smacked the keys responsible for the reboot command. Nothing. He tried again. And again. And again. Still nothing.

Oh gods… 

Now what? The tech instructor was gone. He didn't have a score of technological geniuses at his disposal to fix the problem. The only solutions he could think of involved dismantling the device, but the school wouldn't look to fondly upon that.

Bling—bling—bling—bling—bling—bling—bling—bling!

A new window popped up over the duelist's buddy list (erm… list of employees he could fire if he found them online anywhere between 6:30 and 5:00 during week days). He stared at it, bewildered by whether or not it was possible to type that fast.

_heystaohsuii wass up? like are yiu at school im sneaking on right now_

_imsupoose dto be typing up a nreport on tubercoluois but lol im niot_

_i hate chool its nos stupid i mena like y cant we jusy learn things on our own?_

_and whnben are we goinng to neeed toi noe about nuclearaa daycay neway?_

_neway, I saw hitch stoday_

_leik lol iy was sooooo funy!_

_u shooold c it_

Apparently it was. Just not well.

_Satoshi? You there?_

Ah. There we go. Correctspelling and capitalization.

The girl continued to blabber on and on, but all Kaiba could do was watch dumbly. She discussed lip gloss, Ayumi Hamasaki, her middle toe nail (which—he shuttered—was ingrown), iced tea, American male models, Sponge Bob Square Pants, and taking out the trash, all of which was dispersed with, _u there?_

Then, in some devil's miracle and to the billionaire's horror, his computer started to write back.

_Hey, babe._

_EEE! Satoshi! u live!_

_Mmhmm…_

_So wassup?_

_Oh yeah…_

_Huh?_

Kaiba suppressed a scream as he realized what was happening with "Satoshi's" reply. His computer wasn't typing back by itself: it had somehow, in someway, managed to pick up another computer's IMs and was rerouting them to whoever this girl (and he prayed it was a girl) was. This person, this reroutee, was at the very pentacle of loserdom. He (and the CEO knew it was a he from his instant messages) was the least elevated of the unelavated; the curdled, sour, and bad smelling cream of the crop; the most rotten tomato at the bottom of a barrel in the belly of a wrecked ship; the gum, stuck interminably to the sole of an old shoe, that simply wouldn't come off and ruined perfectly good pennies.

It was a cyberer.

_like EEEEW! what r u doing?_

And the girl simply wouldn't log off.

Kaiba's eyes burned, yet they wouldn't close. He had gone into a coma—he couldn't move, he could barely think; all he could do was watch this... horrid play of modern times acted out before him. The computer kept pinging with every sickening post; Anzu's music raved in the background. Honda smacked some triple bypass inducing food in his ear; Bakura was tittering, chortling, guffawing, and chuckling in various sadistic ways from the row in front. The sounds and perverted transcript echoed through his mind, ricocheting with double the force. They wore away at his logic, his beliefs, his sanity. The internal pain was like nothing he had ever felt. And then, just as he began to wonder if he was doomed to endure this torture for eternity…

"Kaiba? My computer won't work again."

It was like a slap to the face. An excruciatingly painful and clawing slap delivered by a polar bear, but a slap all the same. The disaster box faded away and a certain blonde duelist came into view. Kaiba blink slowly at him, then stood up.

Comprehension washed over him.

"Look, koinu," he sneered as he led him back to the eMac. Again, the thing was not on. "It's very simple. You press the button, and the computer magically turns on." He demonstrated.

Nothing happened.

"What the hell?" he muttered to himself. He pressed it again. The computer remained stubbornly off.

THUD.

Kaiba crooked his head around to observe Jounouchi rolling on the floor with silent mirth. He waited patiently for him to stop, wipe the tears from his eyes, and prop himself up with one arm.

"Whoo, Kaiba," he said through giggles. "You should have seen your face!"

The brunette's face in question did a sort of twitch of the mouth. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Yugi, decorated with a sheepish grin, pointing at the cord of the machine. Kaiba followed it, only to come to the enlightening realization that it was unplugged.

He took a menacing step toward Jounouchi, who abruptly stopped his laughter. The dragon-loving teen growled, much more like a rabid canine than Jounouchi could ever hope to be, and in one swift movement dragged the blonde boy upward to his feet.

The teacher took this moment to enter the room.

"Kaiba! What do you think you're doing?" he cried as he hastily stuffed a brown sack (which one can only assume was the cause of his prolonged absence) into his coat. He went on before the questioned could answer. "I hope you've done a sufficient amount of work, young man," he bustled over to Kaiba's computer, "and weren't too busy abusing your power! I swear, young people these da—" His eyes widened as he read the words clearly displayed on the monitor. The color vanished from Kaiba's cheeks.

"Sir, I can explain"

Honda, curious, peered over at the offending screen. "Dude! Kaiba! I never marked you as cyberer!"

One could almost hear the silence that followed that statement. Anzu had even muted her music.

"I-it's not what it look likes," Kaiba stammered, stripped of all dignity.

"I think someone needs to talk to the principal," the teacher said firmly, shutting down the computer ("It was FROZEN!" Kaiba yelled.) The man, despite the protests, led the student out the door. The remaining pupils exchanged glances. Music reared up in the background again, and Bakura went back to sniggering.

Class returned to normal.


End file.
